A New Beginning
by TheShippyQueen
Summary: What would Anna have done if Lord Grantham had dispensed with Bates' services? Just how far would she go to be with him? Set after Episode 6 and an alternative way their story could have gone. FINAL CHAPTER NOW UP!
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: This idea came from a conversation with PBCD, the story is set after the "almost kiss" scene of Ep6 and is based on the question, "What would have happened if Lord Grantham had indeed dispensed with Bates' services?" I had to wonder, how would Anna have reacted and just what would she be prompted to do? There are many ways this could go and I'm sure there are many little plot ideas that could be formed from that question. Here is my little idea, totally AU of course and I have conveniently "done away" with Vera. (Well, she's an inconvenience to me! :D)**_

_**As always, I own nothing!**_

**A NEW BEGINNING**

A great deal has happened to me in the last few days. In fact, when I think about it, a great deal has happened to me in the last two years. I've done a great deal of growing up, I thought I knew what I wanted from life, but I didn't, not until I met him.

I stand in the little bedroom where we've been staying for the last two days. Outside, the sound of the docks clang and bang as the world continues on without me. I hear the seagulls screeching and swarming overhead and the sounds of the men who work here, laughing and calling to each other.

I look about the squalid room; my room at Downton was simple, but this, this is below basic and certainly not up to my standards of cleanliness. However it was all we could find at such short notice and the landlady asked no questions, though she raised a knowing eyebrow as we asked for lodgings.

On the bed, my carpet bag waits next to his and I busy myself with a final check that I have everything I will need. I position the little letters on the top of the bags, one to my mother and one to Gwen. I will send them just before we leave; it will be too late then for them to do anything about it. Too late for them to try and change my mind, not that my mind can be changed, I'm more determined than ever.

I go back to the window and take up my position again, watching and waiting for him to return. I find myself thinking back to how I have found myself here, waiting at Liverpool docks for a boat to take me, take us to our new life. How can it only be a week ago that I was living such a different life?

I never imagined I'd be the sort of girl who ran away with a man, it never entered my head that I would do such a scandalous thing, but I did and I would make that same decision time and time again if it meant I ran away with him.

Personally I blame Lord Grantham. If only he hadn't dispensed with John's services, if only he hadn't sacked him, then we'd both be still at Downton and none of this would have happened. But he did sack him; the stain of John's past was too much even for the kind-hearted Earl. As soon as he found out about John's past, his prison sentence for stealing, he found it "impossible to keep him on, it was a hopeless case..."

I knew there was more to it; I knew it wasn't the whole story. His Lordship knew it wasn't the whole story as well. He looked into the case himself, he found out that John's wife was dead, she'd died in hospital over a year ago and therefore could not corroborate John's story. His Lordship could only make his decision based on the facts before him, John was a convicted thief and he could not stay. I think back to how I tried to make him change his mind.

_I go to the Library after lunch, I know his Lordship likes to spend time reading and he prefers the solitude of the Library for such activities. I knock politely, my heart pounding into my ears, I step inside,_

"_Carson..."_

"_Beggin' your pardon m'lord," I say as I move into the Library. Lord Grantham looks up at me in surprise._

"_Anna. What can I do for you?"_

"_It's about Mr. Bates." I say, stepping a little closer._

_Lord Grantham sighs and sits back in his chair, "Yes, dreadful business all of this, but there's nothing else to be done."_

_I clutch my hands together to stop them from shaking, "Couldn't you reconsider? I mean, does he really have to leave?"_

_Lord Grantham studies me carefully, already I have said too much, left myself open to questions I would rather not answer and his Lordship would rather not ask. "I'm afraid not Anna, no."_

_I take another step, desperation begins to set in. "But, he's done nothing wrong!" My tone is sharper than I had intended but I continue anyway, "He's a good man, he doesn't deserve this. Please?"_

"_This is all very honourable Anna, but my decision has been made. He has to go." I see the look on his face; I know what he is thinking._

"_He won't get another job." I say, my eyes meet his and I try to make him understand._

"_I'll give him a good reference. Now if that's all..." Lord Grantham turns back to his book._

"_No your Lordship," I say, I even shock myself; the look on Lord Grantham's face is incredulous. "I beg your pardon but..." I pause and sigh, "He's not a thief, I know he's not a thief, can't you give him another chance?"_

_Lord Grantham sits up again and looks at me, "The answer is no Anna." A look of pity crosses his face, "I'm sorry."_

_I open my mouth to speak again but he holds up his hand, "Let's leave it there before you say something I may have to reproach you for."_

_He turns back to his book and the conversation is over. I turn and leave the room forlornly, my only chance of saving him is over and I have failed._

_Later that evening, Mrs. Hughes calls me into her parlour and my heart sinks. I know exactly what she is about to say, no doubt his Lordship has spoken to her, told her of my actions in the Library. I prepare myself for the worst and stand defiantly before her._

"_I wanted to talk to you about this afternoon. His Lordship tells me you are rather upset about Mr. Bates leaving; he fears you may have developed an attachment to him." Mrs. Hughes clearly feels awkward; in all the years I have worked here she has never had to speak to me in this way._

"_I am sorry for my actions in the Library," I say with little conviction, "But his Lordship is wrong to sack Mr. Bates, he's done nothing wrong."_

_Mrs. Hughes bristles at my tone, though she doesn't comment, "That's for his Lordship to decide, not you."_

"_But..." I begin. She holds up her hand to stop me and I close my mouth again._

"_Now...listen to me Anna, this attachment you have to Mr. Bates...it has to stop, he's leaving and you are staying here. You need to get over it before it gets you into trouble." Her tone is brusque but I can sense she is trying to be kind to me._

"_I can't do that," I say simply, "It's not an attachment; I'm in love with him."_

_She inhales deeply, her mouth drops open and for a brief moment she is lost for words. Finally she speaks again, "My dear...we've all been in love but sometimes it just doesn't work out. You need to let go and move on, forget about him. He's leaving and that's that. You will get over him well enough."_

"_That's just it!" I explode, "I don't want to get over him!"_

_She is taken aback by my outburst and her eyes dart to the door, wondering if the others beyond have also heard. "Anna...I know it's hard but really...think about what you are saying. You're a sensible woman; you know it can never be."_

_My patience is wearing thin and I inhale sharply but I don't speak, I fear for what I would say if I did._

"_Your heart will recover," Mrs. Hughes says gently, almost motherly._

_My head snaps up, it's my heart and I'll do what I like with it, I won't be preached at by anyone, not where he's concerned. "Is that all?" I finally speak through tight lips._

_She nods at me and I turn on my heels to go. I think it is at that moment that my mind is totally made up._

Outside the window a sudden noise ends my memories and I look down onto the dockyard below. A young boy has dropped a crate of rather unpleasant looking fish and an older man is shouting and clouting the poor lad about the head. I'm rather reminded of Mrs. Patmore and Daisy back at Downton, I can't help but wonder what they all thought when they saw my bed was empty and my belongings gone. I wonder how those thoughts darkened when they realised that John was gone too. Seagulls screech and swoop, desperate to get some of the scattered fish but the young boy is hurriedly collecting them whilst the older man continues to shout.

_In the room I share with Gwen, I pace back and forth, clutching at the little cross that sits around my neck. I am torn with my own indecision, should I do it or should (as society would dictate) I remain here and try to forget? I know the answer, I know what I must do, but will he agree?_

_I stop walking and turn to my wardrobe; I drag my old carpet bag out of the bottom of the wardrobe and begin to stuff the few clothes that I own into the bottom of it. I throw my travelling clothes onto the bed and hurriedly undress out of my uniform. I fold it up neatly and leave it under my pillow for them to find when I am gone. I quickly dress into my travelling clothes, all the time listening out for the sound of Gwen returning._

_Closing my bag, I push it underneath my bed and quickly jump into bed, pulling the covers up high so that Gwen won't notice I am not in my nightgown. I close my eyes and wait._

_How long I wait, I don't know, but eventually I hear Gwen return. She stops near to my bed and I know she is testing me to see if I am asleep, no doubt she has heard of my indiscretion with his Lordship and is intrigued to know the details._

_I keep as still as I can and try to regulate my breathing; she seems to believe me asleep for I hear her undressing and climbing into her own little bed. The room becomes dark as she extinguishes her candle and now my real wait begins._

_I listen out until I hear her breathing settle into a rhythmic pattern, as she lightly begins to snore, I quietly get out of bed and softly pull the bag from its hiding place. I pull on my jacket and pick up my hat and bag and with a brief glance across at the girl I've come to think of as a sister, I quietly depart the room._

_My walk to his room takes me beyond the forbidden door and I cross the threshold with some trepidation, as if merely crossing it will awaken the whole house to my behaviour. As I pad along the corridor towards his room, my heart pounds so loudly, it sounds as if it echoes off the walls, beating out a warning cry to my superiors._

_I swallow hard as I knock lightly on his bedroom door. What if he sends me back? What if he doesn't want me?_

_As the door opens, his face turns incredulous as he sees me standing before him, bag in one hand, hat in the other and dressed for travel._

"_Going somewhere?" he asks me softly as he studies my face carefully._

_I merely nod as I try to find my tongue. "With you," I finally manage._

_His whole countenance changes and he reaches out and grabs at my hand and bag, pulling me into his room. He closes the door behind us and I can't help but take in his dishevelled appearance. His hair is ruffled and he's wearing only a thin vest and trousers. I've never seen him so unkempt before, it's rather thrilling._

"_What do you mean?" he asks me, he takes a few steps away from me as he continues to study my face. I put down my bag and hat and remove my jacket and face him with determination._

"_I'm coming with you," I say simply, what else can I say?_

_He closes his eyes and groans softly; slowly he shakes his head as my name leaves his lips, "Anna..."_

"_I want to come with you, we belong together. I can't bear to stay here without you." The words gush from my mouth as I watch his torture play out across his face. "That's if you want me, if you love me... that is."_

_He opens his eyes and looks at me; I can see the conflict in his eyes. "Oh... Anna..." He groans again, "No... no... this... Oh god, Anna! You know I love you, my God I've never loved anyone like I love you..."_

_I step towards him, encouraged by his declaration but he steps back again, "No! Anna, no. I couldn't, I won't! Lord, do you know what you're suggesting?"_

_I know exactly what I'm suggesting, I'm suggesting we run away together, live in sin as it were. I know exactly what I am asking him and I am asking it willingly._

"_I know what I'm suggesting, yes," I explain carefully, "John, I want to be with you, only you. Where you go, I go too."_

_He shakes his head, "Anna, go back to bed. This... this can't happen, it's not possible. Go to sleep, forget me."_

"_I can't!" I exclaim suddenly, why does everyone keep suggesting that? "I can't forget you John, I won't forget you! I want to go with you, however or wherever that takes us."_

_He sits wearily down onto the chair in the corner of the room, he slumps forward, his head falling into his hands. I step warily towards him and kneel in front of him, resting my hands onto his knees._

"_John," I say softly, he looks up at me, "We can leave together, go somewhere where nobody knows us... America... nobody asks questions there. Nobody needs to know who we are; we can start afresh, just you and me. It can be a new life for us both, don't you want that?"_

_He shakes his head and a soft smile plays across his lips, "You make it sound so easy."_

"_It is easy!" I declare, "Well... it can be easy, if we work together. Please, don't make me stay here without you."_

_He raises one hand and caresses my cheek, my eyes close to his touch and I lift my own hand to cover his, "We can be together," I say, "Don't you want that?"_

_He smiles again, "Yes, I do want that." My hopes rise, only to have them dashed again as he gets to his feet, leaving me kneeling on the floor. "But it's not so simple! God, Anna, what you're suggesting! I won't steal you away from your home, your friends, your family! I couldn't do it!"_

_I don't even try to get up; I stay there and gaze at him, "I'm not asking you to steal me away. I'm offering to come with you."_

_He limps towards the back of the room putting as much distance between us as possible. He's still in turmoil, part of him wants it, I know, but then the other part can't bear to agree to this._

"_Anna, do you know how it will look? A married man running away with a single woman?" He demands._

"_Widowed," I correct._

_He closes his eyes and sighs heavily, "Widowed man then. I have nothing to offer you, we're not married, I have nowhere for us to live...it's impossible!"_

_I get to my feet at this point, "Anything is possible. I know what I'm asking and I don't care about all of that, I just want to be with you."_

"_It's not that simple!" he cries in exasperation, "Anna, you're a young woman who knows nothing about the real world or about life, you've not lived anything beyond the walls of this house! Life - it's not a fairytale, dreams don't come true. Not for the likes of me anyway."_

_I recoil, stung by his rebuke. He sees this and sighs again moving a little closer, "I'm sorry, that was unfair of me. I didn't mean it like that." I drop my head slightly and gaze at the floor, "Anna... I want this, if it could happen, I would take it with both hands but you and I both know that it can't"_

_I look up, "Why can't it? If we love each other we can make it happen. I have a bit of money put aside..."_

"_No," he says firmly, "I won't take your money."_

"_It would be our money," I reply. I take another step closer to him; he steps away again as if I'm trying to cast a spell on him. I suppose I am in a way. "We leave together, go to London or Liverpool, we can get a boat to America and start our life together. We can pretend to be married for the time being and then when we're settled we can marry properly in America. You hear of this happening all the time, we can do this."_

_He stares at me in disbelief, "You've really thought this through, haven't you?"_

"_When you want something, you find a way. That's what my mum always says," I reply and step closer again. He's pressed against the wall and I am so close to him I can almost touch him._

"_But I have nothing to give you," he responds weakly._

"_Except you and you're all I want or ask for," I say as I take a final step towards him, I rest my hands onto his chest and I feel his heart pounding wildly beneath my fingers. I lean up towards him and brush my lips against his. Perhaps I'm playing a little dirty now but I have to get the answer I want._

"_Anna..." he breathes against my lips, "No..."_

_His protest is weak and as my lips meet his again I feel his resolve crumble. His arms slide around my waist pulling me towards him, his lips press against mine and for a few delicious moments we are lost in the depths of our first kiss in days._

_He's kissed me twice before... well, once really. The first time I suppose doesn't count as our lips never actually met, we were disturbed before they had chance to but they would have...the second kiss happened a few days later, before his Lordship made his decision. As I rose from the dinner table, John's hand had grabbed at mine. We were alone in the hall and he pulled me back into my seat. He had pulled my face towards his and we had kissed passionately. As he pulled away he had whispered, "I love you, Anna." It had been the words I'd been desperate to hear, it was the words I clung to right now._

_I feel his hands move firmly to my shoulders and he pushes me lightly away, "Anna... no," he repeats and my heart sinks a little._

"_Do you love me?" _

_His grasp remains firm, "You know I do."_

"_Can you live without me?" I'm playing dirty again, but if this is what I must resort to, then I will._

_He releases me with a soft chuckle, his countenance changing again, lightening somehow, "That's not fair and you know it!"_

_I chuckle but I don't relent, "Can you? If you tell me yes then I'll go back to my room but if you say no, then I stay. Can you live without me in your life?"_

_He gives a defeated sigh, "No."_

_I breathe a sigh of relief and close my eyes to the dangerous move I just made, one that paid off._

"_That was a risky card you just played Miss Smith." He says tenderly as I walk back into his arms, "What would you have done if I'd said I could live without you?"_

_I grin up at him, "I would have changed your mind."_

_He laughs lightly and strokes my cheek, "I thought as much. You're not one for giving in are you?"_

"_I don't see why we should have to give in." I reply resting my head against his chest, "I love you, you love me, it's simple really."_

_He puts his arms around my waist and sighs heavily into my hair, "Oh Anna, if only it were that simple. If only I could take you away, marry you and spend my life with you... but we can't. It's a wonderful idea but it..."_

_I press my fingers to his lips to stop him speaking, "Listen to me John Bates, we can do this. I've packed my things, I'm ready. We go at first light, take the train to London."_

_He groans again, I can sense his barriers are slowly crumbling; he's coming round to my idea. "But what about your job? Your family? Your life is here Anna."_

"_Not anymore." I answer simply. "Now, have you got all your things packed?"_

_He looks about himself as if a little lost, clearly his mind is befuddled by the events I'm forcing him to endure. I am more determined than ever._

"_I can be packed quickly," he mumbles, heading for his wardrobe, and I can't help but allow myself a triumphant smile._

_We pack together in silence though I can hear him thinking, hear the thoughts running through his mind. I hope he's planning our future and not planning on getting rid of me. I prepare myself for both eventualities by plotting out my own plan for our future._

_Finally he closes his bag and turns to face me, "We can't do this. It's not right, you deserve better than this. I can't steal you away like this."_

_I reach for his hands and squeeze them tightly, "How many times? You're not stealing me away! I'm coming with you because I want to. I'm not a silly girl being blinded by an infatuation, I'm not being led astray by you... this is all consensual."_

_He gives a soft smile and lightly pushes a loose strand of hair from my cheek, "I'm not sure the world will see it that way."_

"_I don't care what the world thinks, "I say shaking my head, "I know you will make me happy and that's all I can ask for."_

_His face changes suddenly, a look of worry and desperation crosses his features and he pulls me to him, "Anna I'd give you the world if I could. I'd give you everything, for you deserve everything. I wish I could give you the things you deserve, but I can't. I'm an old fool with no job, no home and very little of my own money to speak of. Can you really be happy with that?"_

_I smooth his furrowed brow with one hand, I let it stroke carefully down his face, his cheek and brush his concerns from his lips. "Shush... I am happy already. You will make me happy whatever happens, wherever we end up. I don't need anything but you."_

_He kisses my fingertips lightly, "Really?"_

"_Really," I say firmly. Then he pulls me into another long kiss that makes my knees go weak and my heart pound faster._

_We don't sleep that night; instead we sit together planning out our course of action. He surprises me with some details and clearly he has thought things through carefully in a short amount of time. We will go to America via a ship from Liverpool but not before we take a detour to London first. In those few hours we spend in his room, we plan out our whole future, our new life in America. I can sense that even he feels rather positive that this could all work out for us. My only doubt, one I would never dare voice to him right now, is that we will not be married._

_It seems wrong to run away and not marry but it seems impossible at least for now. I convince myself that God would not bring us together in this way only to smite us down for a minor technicality such as marriage... would he? And, I reason with my conscience, we haven't done anything yet, we've only kissed and though I may be in his room we are fully clothed and he's made no requests of me._

_I promise my conscience and therefore God that as soon as we are able, we will marry and I will repent fully the small (yes I do believe it to be small) sin I am about to commit._

_As soon as the first hues of dawn begin to appear on the horizon we stand up. Silently we put on our coats and hats and collect our bags. We don't speak until we are at the back door of the house. Silence still fills the corridors, the hall boy and Daisy won't be up for at least another half hour. Before he opens the door and we take that final step he looks at me,_

"_Are you sure about this?"_

_Though my stomach churns with nerves I know this is the right thing to do, "Absolutely," I reply with a reassuring smile. He returns it and the door opens on our new life together._

_I feel no sadness at leaving Downton, thirteen years I've been here and yet I feel not one ounce of regret or sadness as I leave. I tell myself it's a sign from God, that I am doing the right thing. Of course I will miss Gwen, she's like a sister to me and even Mrs. Hughes, who I respect greatly, I feel a little sadness at how we parted. But none of that matters now; all that matters is John and I._

_The train station is deserted and we get a seat in a carriage on our own. We sit together, his arm around me and as the train pulls away I know he is feeling guilty. As reassurance, I wrap my arms tightly around him and nestle against his chest. _

_The motion of the train and lack of sleep makes me drowsy and I must have fallen asleep for the next thing I know we are pulling into London and John is gently shaking me awake._

"_We're here," he says softly, pressing a kiss to my hair, "You're beautiful when you sleep."_

_I stretch and sigh away the awkward sleeping position I have ended up in; I look up into his eyes only to be met with a gaze that's mixed with love and regret. I reach up and kiss his lips gently, "No regrets," I say softly. "So stop looking so guilty!"_

_He grins sheepishly as the train comes to a halt. We step out with our bags and quickly merge into the crowds of London, we'll not be found here, not that we intend on staying long._

_John informs me that he has money in a bank account within London, money that had belonged to Vera. He tells me about his wife, how originally, her family were not without money and neither was she. When she died, some of her fortune was left in a bank account; no doubt she had forgotten all about it in her drug induced stupor. When she died and John had been located, the money was now in his name as he was her next of kin._

"_It's not ideal; I'd rather not take anything of hers but..." He sighs, "We need the money."_

_Although it doesn't sit right with me either, we need the money and if it is considerable, it will really help us with our new life in America._

_John quickly carries out his transaction in the bank and money safely stowed, we return to the station again. This time we board a train for Manchester, once at Manchester we would change for Liverpool which would be our final destination before catching a boat out of England._

_If anyone did try to look for us, they would be taken on a rather long journey and with any luck they would give up. I wonder, as the train rattles its way towards Manchester, how everyone at Downton has taken the news, they must all know by now what we have done. No doubt it will be causing a huge scandal amongst the staff and family alike._

_I imagine Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes' faces as they realise, I see Mr. Carson informing his Lordship, I wonder if Lord Grantham feels a pang of guilt at what he's forced us to do? I wonder if Mrs. Hughes blames herself for my actions? I imagine Gwen and feel sad that I did not say goodbye. I will write to her as soon as I can, tell her everything, I know she'll understand. I imagine little Daisy's eyes bulging in shock, I imagine her trying to comprehend what everyone is telling her. Anna has run off with Mr. Bates! Thomas and O'Brien will be revelling in the scandal, they will be practically foaming at the mouth with giddiness and spite. I wonder how many jokes Thomas has made at our expense. I don't care, I'm happy to give him something new to think about. I think of how Lady Mary would have taken the news, of all the girls I can imagine Lady Sybil being our champion. She would no doubt make comments about how it was romantic and how we should be applauded for following our hearts and not conforming to society._

I wonder who will write and tell my parents.

Outside my window there is still no sign of him yet though I'm not worried. He has gone to sort out a few things before we leave. The boat – the _Lusitania_ - is in dock and being loaded up for its next journey. I've never been on a boat before, the size of it scares me, I can't help but wonder how it doesn't sink. Then I remember the _Titanic_ and I shudder lightly. I hope I don't drown in the icy waters of the Atlantic like those poor souls did.

Outside I see the landlady of our boarding house shouting at a young man. He's parked a delivery of vegetables in front of her gate and she's furiously shouting and waving a brush at him. She's a funny creature, Mrs. McMahon, hair piled high and a cigarette hanging from her brightly painted lips, she's a woman nobody would mess with.

The man who's committed the offence is now hurriedly getting back into his delivery van as she continues to shout obscene words at him, he looks terrified as he drives away and Mrs. McMahon smiles a brown triumphant smile and continues sweeping her yard.

She looks up and sees me watching her, she waves at me and I wave back. She's been rather good to us and despite only knowing her so briefly; I almost feel I will miss her.

_We had arrived in Liverpool in the early evening. The smell was the first thing I noticed, putrid water mixed with rotting fish. It made my empty stomach churn and I had to swallow the bile that rose into my throat. I got out my little handkerchief and held it to my nose to try and block the smell but it was persistent and seemed to filter in through my skin._

_John makes some enquiries from the various characters that lurk around the entrance of the docks. One man, who eyes me up rather worryingly, points us in the direction of Kitty's, a respectable (or so he says) boarding house where lodging is cheap and no questions asked._

_Kitty, or Mrs. McMahon, opens the door, gives us a price and when we agree leads us into a dark and dingy hallway. I sense John's unease but I squeeze his arm lightly to reassure him._

_She opens the door to a basic room with a double bed, a small chair that would have been comfortable at some point and a small wash basin in the corner. The lace curtains are brown and filthy but the rest of the place seems to be relatively clean for the money we are paying._

"_Right, payment up front, no questions asked. I don't want yer story; the less I know the better. Just no drugs and keep t' noise down." She explains rather crudely._

_She watches me with interest as John counts out the notes, she turns to John, "Wi' a pretty girl like 'er, you ought to take care. Men's round 'ere like a pretty face an' that's a right one to be sure."_

"_Thank you for the warning," he replies as I instinctively step a little closer to him._

"_Well...like I say, I aint interested in yer story. But if yer's wantin' a boat outta 'ere, best get yersen's down to't yard first thing. Tickets go quickly," she explains as she counts the notes herself, checking for any errors._

"_Thank you." John says again and she gives a knowing smile at us both._

"_I'll leave yers be then." And with that she's gone, cigarette smoke following in her wake._

_John turns to me as he closes the door, "Anna, I'm so sorry."_

_I move into his arms immediately, "For what?"_

"_For this, bringing you here, you deserve better," he groans against my hair. _

_I wrap my arms around him, "It's not for long and we're together, that's all that matters."_

"_You deserve so much better," he groans again._

_I look up at him and press my lips to his, "No... no more talk like that," I say firmly and kiss him again. He begins to respond, his arms tightening around me as his tongue gently parts my lips to meet mine and I can't help but moan softly. My moan, he takes as encouragement and the kiss deepens, our lips dancing sensually together. _

_He moves his attentions to my jaw and then down to my neck, softly caressing the skin with his lips and teeth. I groan softly, this is the most intimate we have ever been and the moment isn't lost on either of us._

_His hands snake from my waist down onto my hips and I feel myself yield to him, pushing against him. As my hips press against his I feel a new response, one I've heard of but never experienced before. The feeling of him is curious and I am intrigued, but this new development causes him to pull away slightly._

"_Sorry," he murmurs and I detect the hint of a blush on his cheeks. _

_I'm not exactly sure of what he's sorry about but I feel the need to reassure him, I move against him and reach to kiss him again but he softly pushes me back, "Not now Anna, I need a little time to... regain myself. If we carry on, I won't be able to stop."_

_Again I'm not entirely sure but I believe him to be referring to making love. I nod as if I understand and he gives me smile. "Don't you want to?" I ask, a little afraid of his answer._

_He laughs lightly at this, "Yes! A little too much!" The feeling of him pressing against me, responding to me, runs through my mind and I believe myself to be a little wiser. He reaches his hand out towards mine and smiles warmly, "If we're going to do this, I want to do it as properly as we can."_

_I blink at him in confusion, "You mean make love?" _

_He smiles again, obviously amused by my ignorance. "Anna, we're practically living together as man and wife. Already we have sinned and I don't want to take from you what should be saved for our wedding night, when we can be together without the feeling of it being wrong hanging over us."_

"_But if we're living as husband and wife, we're committed to each other then surely...surely it can only be right that we... consummate our love." I reason. _

_The events of a wedding night are still unclear to me, I've heard rumours from friends and cousins and I have a basic idea of what goes where but...I'm still not too sure. I want to find out._

_John shakes his head with a grin, "Anna, the things you do to me!" He gets up and comes close, but not too close and kisses my head. "Not tonight my love, I want to do things properly, I owe you that."_

_I nod and give him a little smile, "Alright then, we wait until we are married," I agree. Whenever that will be._

_We sit and talk for the rest of the evening before tiredness overcomes us both. We both undress with our backs to each other and I scurry beneath the covers to avoid the cool and damp of the room. He moves and sits on the chair._

_I sit back up, "What are you doing?" I ask him with a frown._

_He smiles softly, "There's only one bed, I'll sleep here."_

"_What?" I cry, trying not to be affronted; the bed is plenty big enough for two. "You can't sleep there! Come and get in beside me."_

_Again he gives me a smile, I can see he's desperate to do so but something is holding him back. "No Anna, I'll sleep here."_

_I begin to protest again but he stops me, "Let me have one night free from sin."_

_I sigh and lay back down. I turn onto my side to face him and I fall asleep quickly, his declaration of love in my ears._

_I wake in the early hours, it is still dark outside and the port is strangely silent. I hear John shifting awkwardly in the chair. He's clearly not getting any sleep in that uncomfortable chair and no doubt it will be causing his knee a lot of pain._

"_John," I whisper into the darkness, the shuffling stops. "Are you alright?"_

"_I'm fine, go back to sleep," his gruff reply filters back._

_I shift in the bed, "Stop bein' daft and come and sleep here with me."_

"_I'm fine, honestly," he says though I hear the discomfort in his voice._

"_No you're not, get in here with me," I command. "Don't worry I won't pounce on you, you're quite safe!"_

_I can sense he's grinning at that and I hear him get slowly to his feet, groaning as his leg protests. I shift over further and pull the covers back. The bed drops as he sits on the edge and slides underneath the covers. In the darkness I can still see his shadow as he turns to look at me._

_I reach out for him and pull him towards me and to my surprise he doesn't resist. We curl up together though he keeps his bad leg straight. He drapes an arm across my stomach and rests his face into the crook of my neck. I wrap my arms around him, softly playing with his hair as I close my eyes again. This feels so right, like we've been doing this all our lives. I never knew exactly what I was missing in life until I experienced him in my arms, in my bed._

_I am dozing lightly when I feel wet against my skin and to my horror I realise he is upset, that he is crying tears into my neck._

"_Hey, what's all this?" I soothe, suddenly wide awake. "John?"_

_He rolls onto his back, "I'm sorry Anna, for all of this. I shouldn't have brought you here, you deserve so much more, so much more than I can give you."_

_I move closer and curl up against him, my hand reaches for his face, "Shush now, no more talk like this." _

"_I have so little for you, I can't even give you the wedding you deserve." He lifts his hands and in the shadows I see him cover his eyes. I lift myself up onto one elbow and with my other hand gently push his hands away._

"_What do I keep telling you? I don't want all of that, I just want you." And it's true; I don't want a big wedding. Of course when I had been a girl and still living on my father's farm, my sisters and I had often played at weddings. We would take one of my mother's white sheets and pretend the hay loft was a church. We would force the poor old family dog to stand at the front and pretend to be a groom and we would take turns swishing up and down in our pretend gowns._

_But that was a long time ago, that was fantasy and this was real life. "A marriage is not based on the wedding," I say softly, "It's based on the man and wife, on their love for each other. As long as they love each other they can be married in Westminster Abbey or a hay loft! It doesn't matter, I don't care where we marry, all I care about is that we marry soon and that we love each other."_

_I can sense him smiling at me; his hand reaches for me and pulls me down onto him for a lingering kiss. "I love you."_

"_As I love you," I reply._

"_It could be a while before we can marry," he says softly._

"_I don't care, I'll wait," I reply simply and then he kisses me again._

_We both fall asleep in each other's arms and when we wake, the light of dawn is breaking through the curtains. We get dressed in silence and John tells me he will go and arrange tickets for our passage to America._

"_Shall I come too?" I ask._

"_Stay here, it will be safer," he replies and with that he kisses me lightly and leaves the room._

I am brought back to the present again by the sound of a fight breaking out below. Two men and their dogs are shouting at each other, the accent is hard to understand but from what I can gather it's over a crate of ale that one of them claims to have purchased. The dogs are snarling at each other and soon fists and fur is flying. I wince at the gruesome sight and I realise this is exactly why John didn't want me to go out there with him.

_He returns later that morning. I had waited for him by the window but had used my time wisely, writing letters to my mother and to Gwen. I will post them before we sailed or so I hope._

_I see him crossing the yard, cane in one hand and some papers in the other. I stand and wait for him to come into the room. He sighs wearily and I can't help but wrinkle my nose at the terrible stench that has followed him in._

_He explains that the tickets for the next sailing had not gone on sale yet, something about a problem with the boat on its incoming voyage, however he had spoken to someone in the yard who had explained that he could get him anything that John had wanted. I'm sure he kept the exact details from me but what he did mention intrigued me greatly._

"_I asked him if he could arrange a wedding for me," John explains, "I expected him to laugh and say no but he told me that was an easy request."_

_I didn't reply, just listened and watched John closely, "He said there's a Priest who lives and works around the docks. He's a bit of a fallen Priest by the sounds of it, likes a drink apparently. However he is a Priest and can marry couples without the necessary paperwork. He asks no questions, just signs the licence."_

"_Go on," I encourage tentatively._

"_I spoke with him, a Father Michael, he can marry us today. I'm not exactly sure just how...holy it actually is but it's a licence and he is a Priest, we could be married this afternoon." John looks at me worriedly. _

_I consider this for a moment, he's a man of the cloth... alright so he may be a little... unorthodox with his approach but he's still a man of God... right? Surely, God won't object to this, at least we're trying to do things properly._

"_Then let's do it," I say simply, a smile playing across my face. "At least then we can leave the country correctly as man and wife."_

"_Really?" John asks me, "Do you mean that?"_

_I nod and pick up my hat and coat, "Let's do it."_

_We are married later that afternoon in a small room that acts as a chapel. A makeshift altar stands at the front with a rather battered looking cross standing precariously on the top of it. Two men from the docks act as witnesses and when it comes to the exchanging of rings, John produces two rings from his pocket. I look at him in surprise and he merely smiles. _

_We leave the little room as husband and wife, I am now the new Mrs. Bates and I couldn't be happier._

"_Where did you get those rings?" I whisper as we step out into the daylight._

_He smiles at me, "That man could get me anything. I couldn't marry you without a ring!"_

_We hear that the tickets have now gone on sale and we join the queue for the next voyage. We hand over our newly acquired marriage licence to the clerk who stamps our paperwork and adds us to the passenger list. He doesn't bat an eyelid at the current date on our licence; he merely comments that we are leaving England at the right time what with the threat of war looming closer every day._

_The boat leaves at 8.30 the following morning, we must be onboard by 7.30 so we are left with only our last night in England to spend as we wish._

_Walking back to the lodging house hand in hand, our newly married status is not lost on either of us._

"_What shall we do now?" I ask cautiously._

_He looks down at me, "I can think of something."_

_I grin, "Me too."_

_We pick up speed, laughing and giggling as we make our way to Kitty's. At the door, Mrs. McMahon stops us, we tell her we will be leaving in the morning and she smiles knowingly. She presses a piece of paper into John's hand._

"_When yers get there, look up my cousin Bobby, he lives in Brooklyn, mention my name and he'll sort yers out wi' somewhere to stay 'til yers get sorted."_

_John and I look at each other and then at her, "Thank you. That's very kind." John says with a smile._

"_Well...I like yers, yer deserve to get sorted," she replies before stepping past us into her lounge._

_We look at each other again and grin happily, I set off running up the stairs and he playfully taps my bottom as I pass._

_I'd heard many a horror tale about a wedding night, stories of terrible pain and blood. I'd heard women say it was the worst thing a wife had to endure and I'd heard others talk of their husband's brutal behaviour._

_What people never tell you is how good it can actually be. I experienced none of those horrors, sure it was a little uncomfortable at first but it was nothing I couldn't bear. He was gentle and kind, he whispered declarations of love and kissed me tenderly, asked me if I was alright. I was more than alright. For the second time in as many days, I realised that there had been something else missing from my life. Something I knew now I could not live without._

_Afterwards as we lay entangled in each other's arms, the warm afterglow of lovemaking still on our bodies, he kissed me, told me I was beautiful, told me he'd been waiting all his life for me. We kissed occasionally, his hands gently explore me and I slowly learn how to explore him. _

_As the night passes we make love again, our bodies learning quickly what the other desires. All the time he tells me he loves me and I can merely groan my reply. As the grey light of dawn filters into the room, we lay in each other's arms, preparing ourselves for the start of our new life together._

_I feel no regret, no shame at our actions. I know this is right, I know it is the way things are meant to be. My thoughts linger on my family for a short time. I will miss them, of course I will. I know my disappearance will upset them, my mother especially, but I hope in time they'll understand why. _

_Until I moved to Downton, I was always close to my mother, when I went into service we both cried and clung to each other. I missed her terribly, every day I would cry for her, every half day I went home to see them and would cry again when I left. _

_But the years changed me, I made friends and suddenly going into Downton Village with my friends seemed more important than going home. Mum never minded, she liked that I was getting my own life. I think she took comfort knowing that I was enjoying myself and was still rather close to her. It's a shame that has had to change completely. _

_I hope my letter to her will ease the pain. John must sense my thoughts for he kisses me gently, "It's still not too late to change your mind."_

"_Stop saying that!" I scold him playfully. "I won't change my mind!"_

"_Are you sure?" he presses me further, "I'd hate for you to regret this, you'd end up hating me for it and I couldn't bear that."_

_I lift myself up and press my fingers to his lips, "I won't regret a thing."_

_He smiles at me, "Good." _

_I lean down and kiss him again, he rolls me onto my back and we spend a few delicious moments enjoying each other. But dawn is fast approaching and we must be ready to board the boat._

_We dress, though this time we face each other, nothing hidden, no regrets. He leaves the room to fetch us something to eat before we board and I stand and wait._

This is where I still stand, I watch him cross the yard with a small bag and feel my stomach flutter with excitement. I look at the bed, our bags side by side, the bed where last night we did so many wonderful things. The door opens and he smiles warmly at me, he moves towards me, sweeps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck, it sends shivers down my spine and brings back delicious memories of last night.

"Are you ready?" He asks me, soft kisses dancing about on my neck.

"Yes."

We pick up our things and head towards the door; he stops and looks at me, "Any regrets?"

I grin back, "Not a single one!"

And we leave to start our life together.

THE END.


	2. The Morning After

_A/N: Apologies this took me so long, but I kept getting distracted by other things and this ended up floating about on my memory stick for ages! Anyway, there is another chapter following Anna and Bates in America but this one merely covers the aftermath they left behind._

**The Morning After**

The door rattled loudly as Daisy banged sharply against the wood. "Six o'clock!"

Gwen pulled herself up into a sitting position and blinked a few times through bleary eyes. She yawned and rubbed at her eyes with her fingers, brushing away the remains of sleep.

"Anna...' you awake?" she asked, blinking and yawning once more. She looked across at Anna's bed and a frown quickly spread across her face. Anna's bed was empty, the covers pushed back and the pillow barely touched. Gwen looked about the small room, looking for some sign of her friend but the room was empty.

She pushed her own covers back and swung her legs to the floor. Although it was strange that Anna was not there, Gwen reasoned she must have already been awake and had gone to the bathroom.

Getting out of bed she stretched and moved wearily towards the cupboard, opening the doors she sensed something was just not quite right. She studied the contents for a moment; sleep still blurring her mind, when it suddenly dawned on her, the wardrobe was almost empty apart from her own clothing. Anna's things appeared to have completely gone.

She moved her own clothes about, checking to make sure, concern growing as she pushed things out of the way. Her boots had gone, her coat had gone and her carpet bag was no longer in its usual place. All that remained was her morning uniform and a few caps and a chemise.

Gwen spun around and looked at Anna's bed once more, she noticed something poking out from underneath the pillow, something black, and as she whipped the pillow away her heart hammered. It was her evening uniform. Something was definitely not right.

She pulled open the chest of drawers but again, they were empty, Anna's few belongings had completely gone, Anna had gone.

But where had she gone, and why? Had she been called away by her family? Had there been an accident or an illness? Maybe Lady Mary had gone and Anna had been asked to go too? No...that wouldn't happen, not without the whole household knowing. Anna wouldn't leave without telling her, would she?

Gwen yanked open the bedroom door and stared up and down the corridor. "Anna?" she called out, "Anna? Are you there?"

A bedroom door opened further down the corridor and O'Brien poked her head out to see who was shouting. Her hair was hanging about her shoulders and she was still wearing her nightgown,

"What the flamin' 'ell's goin' on?" she demanded, clearly not a morning person.

"Have you see Anna?" Gwen demanded; something really wasn't right. Anna should be here, she should have answered her by now.

"Why would I have seen Anna? It's five past flamin' six! In the morning!" O'Brien snapped, and with that slammed her door shut.

There was the sound of clattering feet racing up the stairwell and Daisy suddenly appeared slightly breathless, her eyes wide and cheeks flushed. "What's 'appened?"

"Daisy, have you seen Anna?" Gwen repeated, why oh why was nobody answering her with an answer she wanted?

Daisy's eyes were wide as she took in Gwen's state of undress and the panic filtering into her voice. She shook her head. "No, why?"

Gwen's shoulders slumped and she leaned against the wall. "Anna's gone."

"What d'yer mean?" Daisy asked, bewildered and confused.

Fresh worry flooded through Gwen's veins. "Her things have gone, her clothes, everything; she's gone. I have to go and see Mrs Hughes."

"But...where...why?" Daisy stammered but she got no answer as Gwen had set off downstairs towards the housekeeper's bedroom.

"Mrs Hughes! Mrs Hughes!" Gwen called as she raced down the stairs as if her life depended upon it. It was highly impertinent to be shouting and very improper to be racing about in such a state of dress but this was important. Anna had gone!

It had all begun last night, everyone had been gossiping about Anna and how she had pleaded with his Lordship to allow Mr Bates to stay, the other staff had been whispering to each other about her behaviour and how it was now obvious to everyone she had a fancy for him. Gwen had thought she liked him, but had never imagined she would make such a public display of herself, and to his Lordship as well!

"_I didn't think that of Anna..."_

"_Mr Bates? He's twice 'er age!"_

"_How did she dare?"_

"_I wonder if he knows?"_

Anna must have heard these whispers but if she did, she didn't let on. She had then been called in by Mrs Hughes and the whispers grew in ferocity. Obviously she was being reprimanded by Mrs Hughes and the glee this sent through the ranks could almost be tasted. Although Anna was popular, gossip was even more popular and everyone enjoyed a scandal. Gwen had intended on talking to Anna when they went to bed, but when she had reached their room, Anna was already asleep and so she had not actually found out what had really happened in the library with Lord Grantham.

Gwen had landed on the bottom step and called out again. "Mrs Hughes!"

The door to the housekeeper's bedroom opened and Mrs Hughes appeared pulling a shawl about herself and trying to straighten out her sleep dishevelled hair. "What on earth are you shouting for girl?" she scolded. "Heavens! Whatever's the matter?"

"Its' Anna!" Gwen panted, "She's gone, her clothes, everything! She's gone!"

Mrs Hughes' frown deepened and her mouth dropped open slightly. "Gone?"

Further down the corridor, Mr Carson appeared, dressed and clearly annoyed by the sounds emanating from this end of the house. He stopped dead as he took in the sight of Gwen in her nightdress and Mrs Hughes similarly attired. Gwen thought she detected a blush spread across the housekeeper's cheeks.

"What's going on? Is there some sort of problem Mrs Hughes?" Carson's deep voice rumbled along the walls of the corridor.

Mrs Hughes tightened her shawl and looked first at Gwen and then at Mr Carson. "It seems Anna can't be found."

"She's gone!" Gwen cried, her cheeks flushing bright red as they always did when she was upset. "Her clothes have gone!"

xXx

Once it had been ascertained that Anna really was missing, Mrs Hughes, sitting alone in her parlour, released a deep sigh as she recalled her conversation with the girl the previous night. It had all been over Mr Bates, a man who should be leaving today...today.

Heart thumping, realisation dawning, she leapt to her feet and called out to Mr Carson, he rushed towards her and with a lowered voice so that Gwen or anyone else listening would not hear, she said, "Check Mr Bates' room."

Mr Carson had stepped back and studied her carefully; he knew exactly what she was thinking and so with deep set brows he set off for Mr Bates' room, hoping their fears would not be realised.

He returned minutes later and from the troubled expression, Mrs Hughes knew her worst fears had come true.

"He's gone," he said simply.

Mrs Hughes closed her eyes and sighed. She must have left with him. "Foolish, foolish girl."

The rest of that morning was filled with talk of Anna and Bates' apparent elopement together. Some thought it romantic, some thought it foolhardy. Gwen sat in silence at the servants' table, trying to drink in the reality of it all. Her friend had gone; run away with a man twice her age and she hadn't said a word! What sort of friend does that?

"She must really love him," Daisy commented, a rather dreamy look on her young features.

"Love? Get over yerself!" O'Brien scoffed. "Desperation more like!"

"What d'yer mean?" Daisy asked.

"Well aint it obvious?" O'Brien demanded, turning the full force of her glare onto the poor girl, causing her to shrink back in fear. "She's a fallen woman, a woman in trouble. 'as to be."

Daisy frowned again. "I don't know what yer mean, Miss O'Brien."

O'Brien sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes, her cutting retort stopped by Thomas looking up from him paper. "What she means Daisy, is that Anna must have got 'erself in the family way, ol' Bates must 'ave 'ad it in 'im and now he's got 'er in trouble and they've had to go."

"You mean pregnant?" Daisy asked in horror.

Gwen's head snapped up, surely that's not what everyone was thinking? Anna would never have acted like that and Mr Bates was an honourable man, no, that was totally wrong.

"How d'you know all this?" William's voice cut through Gwen's thoughts.

"Well I don't, but it's the only explanation," Thomas replied with a shrug.

"Maybe they really do love each other and want to be together?" William suggested, "Is that too hard to believe?"

"I agree, Anna wouldn't do..._that_... with Mr Bates, not until they were married," Daisy chimed in, flushing at her reference to marital activities.

O'Brien sighed dramatically again. "Don't be so simple Daisy!"

Gwen leapt up suddenly, fire flashing through her eyes, she faced them with determination and as much confidence as she could muster. "You're wrong, yer all wrong! She loved him, I know she did. If he hadn't lost 'is job she'd still be 'ere. But if she 'ad to go to be wi' 'im then I 'ope she's 'appy, she deserves that. And we shouldn't be gossipin' 'bout it!"

"Hear, hear!" Branson agreed, he flashed Gwen a smile, one she blushed at lightly. She turned on her heels and set off out of the hall, the sound of muttered comments from Thomas and O'Brien following in her wake.

xXx

Lord Grantham stepped through the adjoining door of his wife's bedroom and into his dressing room. He sighed and gazed out of the window, admiring the prospect across his estate. He moved towards the bell and with a gentle tug, rang for the attention of Carson. Since dispensing with Bates, Carson had taken over the duties until a replacement could be found.

A small pang of regret threaded through his veins as he thought of his old comrade, but really he had no choice. Bates just had too much tarnish against his name, it was impossible to keep him...but how he wished things were different. He thought of young Anna and her impassioned plea to him, how she had begged him to let Bates stay. Clearly the girl had a fancy for him; nothing good could ever come of that! Perhaps it was best that he was leaving today.

Lord Grantham made a mental note to go and say a proper goodbye to Bates and would have another word with Mrs Hughes; she would need to be gentle with poor Anna until she had recovered from her unfortunate ailment.

The door opened and Lord Grantham greeted Carson with his usual smile, however Carson's expression told him something was terribly wrong. It reminded him of the time when Carson had informed him of the sinking of the Titanic, he hoped to God it was nothing like that.

"Is something wrong Carson?"

Carson gave a rather embarrassed and awkward cough, "There is something m'lord, yes."

"Is it Mr Crawley?"

Carson looked up in surprise, "Oh, no m'lord, nothing like that. It's...well it's Mr Bates...and Anna."

Lord Grantham gave a sigh, "Oh dear, I was afraid of this. I suppose though, once he leaves today it will make things easier for Ann..."

"No m'lord, it's more serious than that. They're gone. Both of them," Carson explained.

Lord Grantham recoiled as if he had been struck. "Gone?"

"Gwen realised this morning that Anna's things had gone and, well, a check of Bates' room confirms he has gone too. We can only assume they left together during the night."

Lord Grantham sat down on the edge of his bed, "Gone? I can't take it in!" He sat motionless for a few moments. "And you're absolutely sure? Have you checked everywhere?"

"I sent Branson to the station, a train left for London very early this morning; they must have been on that." Carson replied. "Mrs Hughes has sent a message to Anna's family to see if they're there but I doubt that very much."

Lord Grantham gave a soft groan as the enormity of it all sank in. If only he had dealt with this correctly yesterday! Maybe if he'd been more understanding none of this would have happened? He'd seen her torment; he'd heard the desperation in her voice, had he driven her to this? And Bates! Of all the men he knew, he'd never expect Bates to run away with a woman almost half his age! He groaned loudly, causing a concerned glance from Carson.

"I should have handled this better."

"M'lord?"

"Anna came to me and pleaded with me to let Bates stay; I sensed some attraction on her behalf but thought it was a passing fancy. I sent her away and told Mrs Hughes to have a word. Maybe I was too hasty; maybe I should have seen the signs."

Carson inhaled sharply and pursed his lips; this was news to him and knowing that Mrs Hughes was aware of this situation made him feel rather daft. He thought back, wondering if he'd missed any signs of Anna's fancy for Mr Bates, wondering if somewhere along the line, he'd missed the opportunity to avoid this unfortunate affair.

"I must admit, m'lord, that I was unaware of any of this. I fear, I should have been more in tune with the staff," Carson replied, a small amount of shame filtering into his very bones. He had failed in his role, he had failed his staff and therefore he had failed Downton.

Lord Grantham looked up and gave him a resigned smile. "It's not your fault Carson."

Carson merely hummed a reply. Lord Grantham got to his feet and moved towards the window, gazing out across the estate. He couldn't help but wonder where they were, what they were thinking and if there was anything that could be done to prevent the scandal spreading.

"I hope she doesn't regret it," he said, almost inaudibly.

"M'lord?"

Grantham turned round and faced his butler, "I hope Anna doesn't come to regret her decision, Bates is a good man but I just hope he looks after her."

"I think we all hope for that, m'lord."

Grantham gave another sigh and straightened himself up. "Well, I'll make a few enquiries but I suppose if they don't want to be found, then they won't be. You say Mrs Hughes has sent word to Anna's family?"

"Yes, m'lord. I doubt they will be there and no doubt it will be a shock for her parents."

Grantham nodded solemnly, as a father he could only begin to imagine how he would react if one of his daughters decided to run away with a man. He'd follow them to the ends of the earth; he could only imagine Mr Smith's reaction. As for her mother, the shock could kill the poor woman! What was Anna thinking? She must either be out of her mind with love or Bates had somehow….forced her away.

This was not a pleasant thought and Robert chose to think that Anna was simply, madly in love and that somewhere, out there in the world; she had what she always wanted. Happiness.

If only he had handled the whole thing more carefully, if only he hadn't fired Bates, if only he'd listened to Anna, if only he'd seen the signs…if only.

It did no use to dwell on such things but for Grantham, these regrets would follow him for many years. He would always wonder if, handled differently, he could have prevented the whole thing.

"Well, I suppose there's little else we can do now," Grantham sighed, "make sure the staff are alright Carson, especially the younger maids. And make sure no-one else in this house has such thoughts!"

"Yes, m'lord."

xXx

"Is it true, Papa?" Sybil asked the moment she stepped into the dining room for breakfast.

Her father looked up from his paper. "If you mean about Anna and Bates, then I'm afraid it is."

Sybil gave a dreamy sigh and helping herself to some fruit, took her seat at the table. Mary was sat opposite; cup in her hand and next to her Edith was buttering a slice of toast.

"Isn't it romantic?" she sighed again. It seemed like something out of a novel, running away for love and Sybil's fantasies were running wild. Bates - the conquering hero, Anna his fair-haired heroine riding off into the sunset. It was all so fairy-tale.

"Hardly," Mary said, her eyebrow rising sharply at her sister's romanticism, "to run away with a man twice your age, a crippled man at that? I think her a fool!"

"You would," Edith sneered at her side.

"Well I think it very romantic; to think they must be so in love that they would do anything to be together!" Sybil sighed dramatically, "Someone should write it as a novel."

"Then why don't you?" Edith asked, sipping her tea.

"What say you Papa?" Mary asked, turning her attention to her father, "Do you think it romantic? Or, like me, do you think Anna a fool? I thought she had more sense than that."

Lord Grantham lifted his eyes from his paper, he'd been reading the same line for the last ten minutes, he was rather glad of Mary's distraction. Before he could answer, Sybil interrupted her sister.

"She's not a fool! Just a woman in love, we should have supported her and we should still do so. If she loves Mr Bates and he loves her, then really we should congratulate them and be happy."

Mary rolled her eyes dramatically and Edith placed her cup rather heavily back into its saucer.

"Sybil, darling, life is not always as rosy as you think," Lord Grantham said. "They have made a very difficult choice, it won't all be sunsets and flowers, they've chosen a very hard life."

"But why should it be so?" Sybil asked.

"Because, my dearest one, they are unmarried and have nowhere to go, they have brought huge scandal upon themselves. Anna's reputation alone lies in tatters and God knows what Bates was thinking, their life together will be nothing but a lie."

Sybil thought for a moment, "I don't agree Papa. The world is changing, why should we all conform to society, who says that society is right? I think they're lucky, they've taken control of their destiny and I applaud them for it. You'll see Papa; the day will come when it won't be a scandal to be in love."

Mary groaned and gave another affected roll of her eyes, "Oh Sybil, what have you been reading now?"

"Don't listen to her Papa, she's just showing off," Edith added.

Lord Grantham placed his napkin on the table and rose from his seat. He reached out and patted Sybil affectionately on her cheek.

"I wish I could think like you Sybil, darling, I really do. You think that if it makes you happy but the truth is, we've been hit with a scandal and I'm ashamed to think I could have prevented it."

Lord Grantham turned on his heel and marched out of the room and took himself off to his library where he spent the rest of the day.

Mary watched her father leave before sighing heavily. "I think Anna very selfish."

"Why?" Edith questioned, turning to study her older sister carefully.

"Running away in the middle of the night without so much as a word to anyone? Leaving us all here to worry about her?" Mary replied, lifting her cup to her lips. "Very selfish."

"I doubt you've worried about anyone but yourself," Edith quipped. "You're just annoyed you had to wait for O'Brien to dress you this morning."

"Well Papa will have to arrange another maid to see to us. I can't bear to have O'Brien dress me each morning, it's really rather ridiculous that we must do without, all because Anna ran off with the crippled valet," Mary sniffed.

"Don't say that," Sybil said, "It's not nice."

Mary raised an eyebrow. "Well he is! And a thief at that! Anna could have at least run off with someone a bit more worthy, it's all so clichéd – running away with an older man."

"Perhaps she could have run off with the Chauffeur?" Edith said with a chuckle. "Or is that too clichéd as well?"

Sybil said nothing as Mary and Edith laughed lightly together, though a faint blush spread through her cheeks. Run away with the Chauffeur? Now there was a thought…..

xXx

The rest of the day went by in a blur of work and gossip. Despite the best efforts of Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson, the only topic of conversation around the servants' table was Anna and Bates. By now, O'Brien and Thomas had managed to fuel the rumour that Anna must have been in 'the family way' for her to run off from her home and her family.

Mrs Hughes had not felt up to reproaching the staff, since hearing the news that morning she had been lost in her own thoughts. As the evening drew to a close, she settled herself in her parlour and began to think about the day's events.

Despite her outward appearance, Mrs Hughes was far from being cold-hearted. She was in charge of the health and well-being of all the female servants who worked in the house, some of them were only children themselves. Never having had children herself, Mrs Hughes often felt a motherly instinct towards them. When they were ill she would see that they were cared for, if they were unhappy, she would at least try to cheer them up. It was a rare known fact that Mrs Hughes had often comforted a homesick maid in her parlour, wrote regularly to their mothers, letting them know their daughter was happy and well.

She'd often flattered herself that had she been a mother, she would have made a fine one indeed. So the thought that perhaps she had failed one of her charges was a rather disconcerting thought, especially when that charge was Anna.

She'd known the girl for many years, seen her grow from a shy, skinny wee girl, not more than a child into a confident and very pretty woman. Of all the maids that had lived and worked within the house, Anna had been the one to cause the least trouble for Mrs Hughes. She was a sensible girl who knew her own mind but worked hard and was not easily flattered like some of the other silly things she worked with.

Mrs Hughes had never imagined that Anna would be the one to do something as shocking as run away with a man. In all her wildest dreams, she would never have put money on Anna. The girl was too sensible and steady to do that. Or so she'd thought.

Had she really missed the signs? She knew Anna had had a fancy for Mr Bates; she'd seen the shy smiles, saw how she sought him out, championed him when others sought to bring him down and witnessed how he seemed to enjoy her attention though did little to really encourage her. There had been nothing to suggest they would do something so….outlandish as run away.

She'd thought it was a passing fancy that would come to nothing, when Bates had been accused of stealing and his Lordship deigned to let him go, Mrs Hughes had expected to help Anna nurse a bruised heart and the world would go back to normal. Even last night (was it only last night?) as Anna had passionately declared her love for Mr Bates, Mrs Hughes still didn't see the warning signs.

She saw now that she had been foolish. A heart in love is a dangerous thing indeed.

So, sitting by her little fire, Mrs Hughes wondered what she could have done to prevent it happening and wondered where in the world Anna was spending the night. It was at this moment, she was shaken out of her reverie by a soft knocking followed by Mr Carson peering through the door.

"May I come in?" he asked. Mrs Hughes nodded and Carson slipped inside, a bottle of wine in his hand. "I thought we may need a little something." he explained at her raised eyebrows.

"It's certainly been quite a day." Mrs Hughes agreed as Carson set about pouring two glasses.

"You know what they're saying about Anna and Mr Bates, don't you?" Carson asked, handing her a glass.

"About her being…?" Mrs Hughes asked, not quite able to finish that sentence. If it was true, then her failing as housekeeper was of epical proportions. "Yes, I've heard it."

"I don't think it to be true, do you?" Carson asked, settling himself in the little chair opposite.

"I hope not." Mrs Hughes sighed, taking a soft sip of the red wine, "It would make my failures all that more great if it was true."

"Whatever do you mean?" Carson questioned, glass half raised to his mouth. "Surely you don't blame yourself?"

"Mr Carson, Anna is…was under my care and I failed to see the danger. If somehow their relationship had…..developed and Anna had found herself in a difficult situation….it can only be down to me, I should have guarded that door more firmly."

Carson gave a grunt of disbelief. "You have nothing to reproach yourself for. None of us saw this coming."

"I….knew she had a fancy for him." Mrs Hughes began, almost shamed by her admissions. "I thought it was just a passing phase, one she'd grow out of. I never saw anything to give me real concern, it seemed to be just silly smiles and longing gazes, nothing too serious. I see now that I was mistaken."

"Mrs Hugh-"

"His Lordship came to me yesterday, told me how Anna had pleaded with him to let Bates stay. He asked me to deal with it delicately, told me he thought Anna was in over her head." Mrs Hughes, admitted, eyes focussed only on her glass. "I said I would sort it, when I spoke with Anna she was in a real old state. She told me how she loved him and didn't want to move on from him. Even then, Mr Carson, I didn't see the signs. I thought it would all blow over…..how wrong I was."

A silence descended between them as Mrs Hughes' words sank in. She was thinking of how she had failed and he was merely wondering how he could make this right again.

"Are you disappointed in me Mr Carson?" Mrs Hughes finally asked.

"Disappointed?" Carson's eyebrows shot up into his hairline, "No! Mrs Hughes, you did only what anyone would have done in that situation. I think…well, nobody would have expected this and certainly not of Anna or Mr Bates."

"I hope she's alright." Mrs Hughes sighed with a shake of her head. "I hope she's not regretting her choices."

"Our Anna is a sensible girl….well, this situation aside; I'm sure that wherever she is….." Carson's voice died away; there really was no knowing what had happened to her, to them both, once they'd left the village.

"I hope he looks after her."

"Mr Bates is a good man, I'm sure he'll do right by her." Carson soothed. He paused for a moment. "Do you think we could have prevented it?"

Mrs Hughes sighed deeply, "I'd like to think we may have been able to, but Anna's a stubborn girl and headstrong when she puts her mind to something. Maybe we wouldn't have been able to do anything, even if we had suspected it."

Carson merely nodded and once again they fell into comfortable silence, lost in similar thoughts.

"I just hope she doesn't regret it." Mrs Hughes said softly, more to herself than her companion.

"Let's hope that this is the last time we ever have to deal with such a situation!" Carson said, his brow furrowing lightly, "I'm not sure I could cope with another young woman foolishly running away for love."

"Perish the thought!" Mrs Hughes gasped.

Surely there wasn't another girl within the house that would ever think or act in such a way?

xXx

Gwen sighed as she climbed the stairs to her bedroom. She was rather afraid now to go to bed despite being bone weary. It had been such a long and emotional day and there had been times when she had longed for her little bed but now as she approached the room that up until this morning she had shared with Anna, she now felt rather unsure about entering the room.

No longer would she look forward to settling down to sleep whilst talking to Anna about their day. Never again would she wake up and see Anna still fast asleep, never again would she need to wake her up, reminding her that it was time to rise. There would no longer be nights where they would laugh quietly and share secrets before slipping off into a comfortable sleep, no more nights where she would wake up in the middle of the night only to hear the comforting sound of Anna breathing or snoring lightly in the bed next to her.

It suddenly struck Gwen that she was highly unaccustomed to sleeping alone. Back home, she had shared a room with her two sisters and when she had come to Downton, she had been paired with Anna and they had shared a room ever since. Anna had taken care of Gwen when she'd arrived, she'd been kind to her when she felt homesick, told her stories to make her laugh when she'd missed her mother and had shared things with her. She was her best friend and the closest thing to a sister she had at Downton. In fact, she was closer to Anna than her own sisters.

So, why hadn't she told her she was leaving?

Opening the door to the room she was instantly struck by how empty it seemed without Anna and Gwen shivered involuntarily. She sat herself on her own little bed and looked across at Anna's. Gwen couldn't help but be a little annoyed with Anna, they had shared so many things, Gwen had told her all her secrets, why couldn't she tell her hers?

She'd told her about wanting to leave service and Anna had been so supportive. When Gwen's mother had become sick, Anna had been there for her, comforting her until the early hours. They'd talked about men and hopes for the future and Anna had often talked of Mr Bates. Though she had never said in as many words, Gwen knew her friend was in love with him. She'd always assumed that Anna would talk to her about it when she was ready and then she could be supportive in return.

But Anna never gave her that chance.

Gwen felt upset with Anna for not trusting her with her secret and at the same time, felt upset with herself. Perhaps she could have tried harder? Maybe she should have woken Anna last night and asked her about Mr Bates…maybe she should have been a better friend.

How long she sat in this way, she wasn't sure but the next thing she knew there was a soft knocking on the door. Looking up, Gwen smiled to see Daisy standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"I thought you might be feelin' sad," Daisy said, still dithering in the doorway.

Gwen smiled at the younger girl, "I am a little."

Daisy stepped into the room and moved towards Gwen and settled herself next to her. "I miss 'er already."

"Me too," Gwen agreed and smiled as Daisy's arm went around her shoulders.

"I reckon she's 'appy," Daisy sighed. "Wherever she is, I reckon she's 'appy."

"I 'ope so. I don't want to think of 'er feelin' sad," Gwen sighed, leaning against Daisy.

"Mr Bates'll look after 'er," Daisy said, leaning against Gwen in return, "'e's a good man and he loves 'er – any fool can see that."

Gwen looked turned her head to look at the younger maid, wondering just when had she begun to talk so wisely? Was this not the daft girl who mooned over Thomas and never understood a single hint?

"I just wish she'd told me," Gwen sighed, deciding to store thoughts on Daisy's progress until another day.

"P'raps it were a sudden decision? Maybe it were just….spontaneous and she didn't have time?" Daisy suggested.

"If she'd told me, I could 'ave 'elped 'er like, could 'ave made 'er think carefully 'bout what she were doin'," Gwen said, her tone melancholy. "She might not 'ave made such a huge mistake."

"Why? If it's what she wanted then it's not a mistake." Daisy asked, frowning lightly. "One day she'll come back and pro-"

"Yer don't get it do yer? Anna's ruined 'erself for this, she's run off wi' a man who she aint married to. She can't come back, we won't see 'er again," Gwen explained passionately, her pale cheeks flushing and her eyes welling slightly.

Daisy nodded as understanding dawned. She would never see Anna again, none of them would. She was gone forever without a goodbye or a forwarding address.

"They must really love each other," Daisy sighed. "I wish I 'ad that."

"Don't you go gettin' ideas!" Gwen chuckled, nudging Daisy with her shoulder. "Poor Mrs Hughes is havin' kittens as it is! If you were to…"

"Oh no! I dareden't!" Daisy cried, eyes wide in horror, "I wouldn't run off, ever!"

"Good!" Gwen smiled, her smile slowly died as she once again took in the sight of Anna's empty bed. "It's goin' to be odd 'round 'ere without 'er."

Daisy followed Gwen's gaze and they sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, both wondering what would happen now. With Anna gone, changes would have to be made, changes that would have an impact on them all.

"It seems odd to not have someone to share a room with anymore….seems lonely somehow." Gwen noted.

"I could…." Daisy began, and then stopped herself.

"What?"

Daisy flushed a little. "I was going to say I could sleep in 'ere wi' you. Keep yer company."

Gwen smiled warmly. "I think I'd like that."

Daisy beamed happily and leapt up off the bed. "I'll go clear it wi' Mrs Hughes!" And like a flash she was gone, footsteps disappearing down the stairs.

Gwen looked around one last time, one last time of it being Anna's bed. From now on, it wouldn't be Anna's. Anna was gone. She couldn't help but wonder, where Anna was spending her night and in whose bed was she sleeping.


	3. Epilogue

_A/N: So, here it is, the final chapter! It turned out a little bit more angsty than I'd originally intended but I hope you'll enjoy it all the same! Thank you to all those who have read, reviewed, alerted etc…you're awesome and I love ya! Xx_

**Epilogue – 1920**

"There's a good boy… shhh… you take a nice little nap and I'll be right here, when you wake," I say softly as I place my beautiful boy down for a nap. I carefully tuck the soft blanket around him and spend a few moments stroking his little cheek as his big, dark eyes begin to close. I hum gently to him, my fingers moving from his cheek to the mass of soft downy black hair on the top of his little head and then gently back down and onto his little chest, soft, soothing circular motions that gently guide him to sleep.

Content that he is safely being carried to the world of slumber, I step back and tilt my head to one side, watching him, enjoying the wave of happiness that always washes over me whenever I watch him sleep. Not that it's always this wonderful! Sometimes he can scream the house down for hours on end and in those moments, I can find no happiness at all!

But, I am a fortunate woman and I am very happy. Who wouldn't be when they have what I have? It's been six years since I made that decision, that decision that changed my life and my future for the better. Six years since I left my job, my home, my family, everything I've ever known and all for the love of one man!

Looking back I must have had nerves of steel to make such a choice! But I don't regret it, not for a single minute! For that decision has brought me here, to this very point, happily married, a mother and a very content woman.

Most people, people back in England, must have thought me out of my mind or worse to do such a thing, to leave in the dead of night without so much as a goodbye to anyone, and now, with the benefit of hindsight, I see perhaps I could have handled things differently. I do feel regret at how I handled my family and friends, I know I caused them a lot of pain and for that I am sorry, but I don't regret John, not for one single minute. Nor do I regret moving to America, it's been good to us and we're happy here, we have a nice group of friends, John has a good job that pays the bills, and we have a decent home. We've been very lucky indeed.

The journey to America took us five days from Liverpool, five long days of bad weather and high seas, and despite the seasickness, we looked forward to starting our new life in a new land. Those days were rather heady, filled with newly married happiness, a passion for each other that we regularly satisfied and excitement at the adventure we had embarked upon together. It seemed like a dream, and there were many times I would just lay there, gazing at my wedding ring and then at him. I never once regretted that decision I'd made.

Of course there were many difficult times for us. There were times when I felt very homesick and missed my old life greatly. Though he never said as much, I know John often felt the same, he missed his mother, and in the days before he found work, he missed his old job. But we still didn't regret anything, and when, late at night, we lay in each other's arms, we only confirmed to ourselves and each other that this had been the right thing to do.

We began our life in America living in an apartment block not far from the dockside along with the many other immigrants, all searching for their fortune or freedom in America. The people we met, and became friends, with were so diverse, Italian, Polish, Russian, Hungarian, Irish, Jewish…the list was endless and yet we were all in the same situation. Everyone had a story, a reason for leaving their home, and nobody judged each other. Everyone just got along and supported each other. We made some good friends living there and it certainly helped us to settle here. There were many nights when we would all gather together and share stories from our past lives and hopes for the future. It didn't matter where we'd come from in the world or the reasons behind our move; we were all here for a new life, a new beginning.

It was on one of these evenings when John actually found work. Mr Sowinski and his wife had recently moved to America from Poland. Mr Sowinski was a jeweller and had set up his own business and owned a small shop. His business was doing well and he was looking for someone to help out in the shop with sales whilst Mr Sowinski focussed on mending watches and making orders.

Mr Sowinski and John got along very well and John accepted the job. We could relax a little now there was at least some money coming in. Up until that point, we had been very frugal with our money, saving as much as we could and even going without meals when money was very tight. Now that he was working, life certainly seemed to be on the rise and there were many nights we would plan the next part of our future together over a decent meal.

Not long after we arrived in New York, I decided to write to my mother again and explain myself fully. Although I'd left her a letter in Liverpool, I had no proof that it had been posted and of course I gave no forwarding address.

John was very encouraging and when I sat down to write, he sat quietly in the corner reading the paper. I stared at the piece of paper for ages and no words came to me, I had no idea how to start or what to say and soon despair set in. Three days I pondered over that letter, three days of scribbling down words and then tearing up the paper only to be faced with the prospect of starting again.

Finally John had told me to just write down my heart and so that is what I did. The letter was messy, my handwriting a scrawl and the sentences poor but it said everything I wanted it to. I told her of my love for John, told her I was sorry and that I loved her and my father, I wrote about where we were and explained that we were settled and happy. I ended my letter with a plea for forgiveness.

I posted it the next day and wandered home from the post office to wait for John. As soon as I got home, I began to tremble violently, wondering what my family would say when the letter arrived. I could almost see the scene in the kitchen; I could imagine my father's fury, my mother's anguish. What I couldn't quite imagine was their forgiveness.

When John came home from work he found me shaking by the window. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me, murmuring endearments into my hair and neck.

"_Do you want to go home?"_ he asked me softly. _"If you want, I'll go and buy two tickets and we'll go home."_

"_No…we can't go home."_

"_Anna, listen to me, if you want to go home, I'll make it happen. I want you to be happy and right now, you're not."_

"_I am happy." _

"_But you'd be happier in England."_

"_But… after what we did…"_

"_None of that matters, we would find a way. Just say the words and we'll go. I want to make you happy, I promised I would and I intend to keep that promise."_

"_You do make me happy."_

"_Really? Do I, really?"_

"_Yes, more than you'll ever know."_

"_Shall I go and get those tickets?"_

I'd shaken my head, my decision still stood and I was happy, I just wanted my family to be happy for me. That same night, I wrote another letter to my good friend Gwen and posted that the following day; all I could do was wait for a reply.

I didn't have to wait long, a few weeks later and a letter arrived from my mother. I recognised the handwriting instantly and my heart pounded as my fingers fumbled over the letter, tearing it open.

What I read broke my heart.

I won't reveal all the things that were said as even now, after all this time I still can't think of that letter without wanting to cry. My mother wrote of how they were disappointed in me, that I was a foolish girl who had hurt them greatly. She said I had brought shame on them and that I was not to write to her again.

I was dead to them.

John found me when he came home from work, curled up sobbing on our bed, the letter at my side. John had taken one look at it and pulled me instantly into his arms. He said nothing, just held me as I cried until I could cry no more. He helped me into bed and curled up with me, pulling me against his chest and wrapping the blankets around us. He pressed kisses into my hair and rubbed my back comfortingly.

"_I'm right here,"_ he'd whispered. _"I'll always be right here."_

As the night wore on and my tears dried, I'd turned to him for more comfort and he gave it willingly. We made love tenderly, sharing soft words and loving kisses. He made promises, told me he loved me and as we lay together afterwards, John sleeping lightly at my side, I knew he was all I needed and wanted.

In the morning, I woke to find our bed empty and sleepily I'd sat up to see him standing by the little bedroom window. I could tell there was something bothering him and I'd clambered out of bed and gone to him, walking into his arms.

"_I don't regret it,"_ I said into his chest.

"_Don't you?"_ he'd asked, his voice stilted and laced with emotion.

"_No, I knew this might happen but I don't regret it. We have a new life now, I have you. That's all I need."_

He'd held me close for a few moments and then I'd led him back to our bed, pulling him under the covers with me. After a few delicious minutes of kisses and caresses, he'd helped me to remove my nightdress and once again we reaffirmed our love for each other.

A few days later and I received another letter, it was beautifully typed and I knew instantly it was from Gwen. I opened it with trepidation, wondering if she was going to scold and disown me as a friend.

I need not have worried.

Her opening paragraph scolded me lightly for leaving without a word but the rest of the letter had me laughing and for the first time in days I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. She wrote about life back at Downton and how she was still actively seeking a new job as a secretary – hopefully with a new telephone company. She talked of the staff and their reactions to my departure; she spoke of how the threat of war was affecting everyone and ended with a desire to write to me frequently.

I was so deliriously happy that I sat with a silly smile on my face for most of the morning, re-reading the letter over and over. I felt like I was walking on air, it was so nice to know that someone back in England did not hate me and still wanted to keep in touch.

I continued to write to Gwen whenever I could and always looked forward to her responses. I still write to her now, even after all this time, it's still nice to think that even time and the Atlantic can't keep our friendship apart.

Not long after Gwen's letter arrived, I found out I was expecting our first child. The news came as a pleasant surprise, John was over the moon and together we began to make plans for our new family. We still didn't have enough money to leave the apartment but John promised we would move soon and we tightened our belts again, saving everything we could in preparation for the baby.

As my stomach grew, I decided to write to my mother again, telling her of my news. I never heard from her but it made me feel a little better knowing that at least I had tried, even if she burned my letter, at least I had tried.

Audrey was born in April 1915; she was a beautiful baby with John's dark hair and eyes. Now I had John and our baby girl, I thought of my family and old life less and less. I had a new family, a new life now, and I could not have been happier. We were a happy little unit in that apartment and John was… is a wonderful father. After Audrey was born we spent hours just watching her, holding her and planning for her future. Big, grand plans that involved us leaving the tiny apartment to a nice house with a garden.

Once again I wrote to my mother and to Gwen, telling them of Audrey's birth. I hoped that once my mum found out she had a granddaughter, she would want to get in touch with me, I hoped that Audrey would bring us back together again but I waited and waited and no letter ever arrived.

Resigned to this fact, I concentrated completely on Audrey and John. We made sure our lives were as content as they possibly could be and John began to look for higher paid work. Although he enjoyed his job at Mr Sowinski's, the pay was not enough if we were to move and find a home where Audrey could grow up.

Audrey was still only a few months old when John found work at the local post office as a clerk. The pay was much better though the work would be tedious. It was a far cry from the life back at Downton, travelling with his lordship and the perks that came with the position of valet. I knew he felt a little disillusioned, but when his first wage came through, almost double the salary with Mr Sowinski, John said he could bear the tedium quite happily.

We saved hard for almost two years until one day John came home, a sly smile on his face. He told me to put on my coat and dress Audrey for a trip; we were going somewhere very special. Audrey was thrilled by the excitement her daddy created and her excitement soon became mine. I had no idea what he was planning but after a short trip we arrived in a nice little suburb. He walked us down the street until we came to a stop outside a small but very pretty little house.

"_How would you like to live here?"_ he'd asked with a soft smile, watching my face closely.

"_We can't afford here…"_ I'd said.

"_But would you like to?"_ he'd pressed me further.

"_Of course! It's a lovely area,"_ I'd cried, scanning the leafy street, admiring the pretty houses. It was exactly what we had dreamed about.

"_How about you Audrey? Would you like to live and play here?"_ He'd lifted Audrey up into his arms and kissed her tenderly.

"_Yes!"_ she'd cried, she had no idea what was happening but her daddy's happiness was hers.

"_Then we shall,"_ John had said simply, looking at me, eyes twinkling. _"It's ours."_

"_What? But… how?"_ I'd cried, dumbfounded by the whole affair.

"_I saw it advertised, it's within our limits… just, and I knew you would love it. I've made all the arrangements, it's ours."_ John's grin had grown wider at my disbelief.

"_Are you joking?"_ I'd demanded, my excitement growing.

"_Of course not! It's ours, we can move in by the end of the month!"_ John had laughed.

I had given a little shriek and thrown my arms around him and Audrey. I couldn't believe that this lovely house was ours, that finally we were moving out of the apartment and into our own little house with a garden. My life seemed perfect.

We moved in as soon as possible and for days I would think I was dreaming, that this house was a figment of my imagination and at any moment, I would wake up and find myself back in the apartment or worse, back at Downton without John.

A few weeks after moving in, I wrote to my mother and Gwen again, telling them of the move and my new address, I also sent them the news that I was expecting again. I heard back from Gwen very quickly, who congratulated me and told me news of how the war was changing the England I had once known. I wondered how my life would have panned out if I'd remained in England, I wondered what I would be doing and if I would have been as happy as I was in our new home, with a beautiful daughter, wonderful husband and another baby on the way.

In January 1917, I gave birth to Enid, our second daughter. Just like Audrey, she was beautiful with dark hair and big dark eyes. Her skin a beautiful milky-white, friends and neighbours would comment that she looked like a doll. Even now, she's a very pretty girl, John said the moment he saw her he knew that she would break many a man's heart and as she grows up, I think he may indeed be right!

In our little house with our little family, the world and its troubles seemed so far away and it was hard to imagine that the world was at war, we were so blissfully happy, it seemed the world and trouble could never touch us – we thought we were immune to unhappiness.

We were very wrong.

In 1918, a week or so after Enid celebrated her first birthday, I found I was expecting again. It took us a little by surprise, Enid was still a baby, but nonetheless we were excited about another addition to the family. As always, I wrote to my mother and Gwen, Audrey even included a drawing for her grandmother, but as always, I got no reply.

We made plans for the new baby and I secretly hoped for a little boy. I wanted to give John a son and though he never said as much, I think he hoped for one too. He worshipped the girls but I think he was feeling a little outnumbered, a boy would help even things out.

Our happiness was not to last.

Six months into the pregnancy, I was cleaning in the kitchen, Audrey was playing in the garden and Enid was taking a nap. Looking back, I think I'd woken up feeling a little strange, but with two young children and a house to run, I'd put my own welfare to the back of my mind. I had decided that morning to have a really good clear out and had been boxing up some things we no longer had use for. I think I'd overfilled the box and when I tried to lift it, I suddenly felt a searing pain in my stomach. I'd put the box down and sat myself in a chair, hoping the pain would pass but though the sharpness initially went, I was left with a nasty dull ache deep in my abdomen.

I tried to get back up but I was hit with another pain that paralysed me and the feeling of a growing wetness between my legs.

Instantly I knew something was very wrong, I tried to get to the door to call to our neighbour, Mrs Leibberman, but the pain brought me to my knees. From here on, my memory of the whole event becomes rather blurry but I remember the blood and the pain. I must have called out and Mrs Leibberman must have heard me or Audrey crying for I remember her being in the room with me. Her daughter took the girls away and I think her son went for a doctor, but it's all such a blur.

What I do remember is the pain and the silence when the baby was born. I remember John's face when he walked in to find me on the floor, covered in blood and verging on unconsciousness.

I remember the doctor's words when asked about me.

"_If we don't get her to hospital, she could die. It doesn't look good right now."_

And then I remember nothing but black.

I woke a few days later in the local hospital, the nurse explained that I had miscarried, that my baby had died and that I had very nearly died with it. She said the baby had been a little girl and that there was no reason for the miscarriage – she told me I must have done something wrong, that I was at fault for the loss of my baby.

I had broken down at that point, sobbing inconsolably until the doctor was sent for and I was sedated _'for my own good.'_ The next time I awoke, John was at my side, he looked grey, his eyes were red and swollen and from the state of him he hadn't slept or washed in days.

"_Anna! Oh, Anna! I thought I'd lost you…" _He had clutched at my hand, kissing it over and over, thanking God that I was alive.

"_I'm sorry, John. I've let you down…" I'd whimpered, my chest heaving with sobs at his distress, "I'm so sorry…"_

He'd broken down in front of me then, crying openly at his fears that I would die. All I could think of was my poor dead baby and the look on John's face when he saw me on the kitchen floor. I was so ashamed of myself, the nurse's words kept coming back to me, it was my fault, I had killed our child. My own thoughts came back to me, how I'd secretly wanted a boy. I must have caused our baby girl to die all because I was selfish enough to want a boy. It was all my fault.

I couldn't speak to John, I saw how anguished he was, how harrowed by the whole experience he was, I couldn't bear to burden him with my shame too. I felt like such a failure and even wished that I had died, for how could I ever deserve to be happy again knowing what I had done?

A week later and the doctor said I could go home. Arriving back at our little house I stepped through the door to be greeted by my girls and John. They looked so happy to see me, the girls were in their best dresses and they were holding homemade cards and pictures. I took one look at it and broke down into floods of tears.

I can still see Audrey's bewildered face and I can hear Enid's cries as they witnessed my breakdown. I remember John rushing to my side and pulling me into an embrace, I remember him ushering the girls into the other room whilst he led me upstairs. I lay on our bed, paralysed with grief and guilt, I did not deserve John or the girls, I didn't deserve to be happy.

John had tried to comfort me but everything he said made me withdraw from him further. I couldn't look at him without seeing his face contorted with grief, I couldn't go into the kitchen without remembering, I couldn't pass an hour without breaking down in tears.

Poor John didn't know what to do or say, there was nothing he could do, when he reached for me in bed at night, I would pull away; ask him not to touch me. I saw how much I was hurting him and that made me hate myself even more. He didn't deserve me, he deserved a better wife and so I pulled away from him even more.

God bless him, he tolerated it so well, he didn't reproach me or demand anything from me, he just looked at me with sadness when I refused his kisses, he would nod and turn over in bed and when I shied from even his touch he wouldn't say a word, just look at me and I would die a little more inside.

It all came to a head four months after I lost the baby. John had come home from work and after we had shared small talk and pleasantries about our days and the girls he had once again tried to put his arms around me, I'd shied away and the word _'don't'_ had escaped my lips. I instantly regretted it but John's reaction shocked me to the core. He broke down in front of me, crying that he was grieving too, that he had been terrified of losing me and that he still felt he was losing me now.

"_Please, stop pushing me away."_

"_I don't mean to…"_

"_I want to help you, Anna. I want to be supportive, I want you to want my support but this cold, distant Anna who won't even let me touch her… I can't live with her, she breaks my heart."_

"_Don't say that…"_

"_I love you, Anna. I love you so much and I hate to see you like this. I hate hearing you cry, seeing you so upset every day and I can't do a thing about it because you won't let me."_

"_I want to…"_

"_Don't you see what you're doing to me? Doing to the girls? We've all been affected and I know it must be hard for you, I understand that, but I thought we would get through it together. I thought that was what our marriage was based on. Supporting each other through love. I want my wife back, I want Anna back. We're so much better than this."_

My tears had flowed as he had turned away and walked out the door. I tried to call out to him but my voice was gone. My downfall complete, I had broken everything I held dear to me. I sat and cried and poor Audrey didn't know what to do. She tried to comfort me, begged me to stop crying and her pain made mine even worse.

It was later that night before John returned, where he went, I have no idea; he told me he'd just been walking. I felt sick the whole time he was gone, I was sure he wouldn't come back and I was terrified that I had lost him forever. I put the girls to bed and my already broken heart was almost destroyed when I head little Audrey saying her prayers, asking the Lord to help her mummy stop crying.

"_Mummy?" _Audrey had asked as I tucked her into her little bed, her big eyes gazing at me intently.

"_Yes, darling?" _

"_Where's daddy? Is he coming to kiss me goodnight?"_

"_Daddy's had to go out, he'll come and kiss you goodnight when he returns."_

"_Can I wait up for him?"_

"_Not tonight sweetheart. He'll be home soon and I promise I'll send him up to you"._

"_Mummy?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_I love you."_

"_I love you too."_

I sat and waited for John, watching the hands on the clock go round and round until finally I heard the door open. For the first time in months I truly looked at him and saw how broken and defeated he was. The pang of guilt at what I was causing made me gasp and I was instantly repentant. I begged him to sit and talk with me and he merely nodded, sitting in the chair opposite to mine.

The way he held his head in his hands and couldn't even look at me made every floodgate open. I told him everything, about lifting the box, about the guilt I felt, what the nurse had told me, how I felt he didn't deserve me and how I couldn't understand why he would want to be near me after what I'd done.

I know now, I was unwell, that I was suffering from grief and that it wasn't my fault. I also know now that the nurse was as much to blame for what she told me. But in those days, all I could see was my failing as a wife and mother, my grief and well-being seemed irrelevant.

John sat and listened, there were a few times when he looked as though he would say something but my tone obviously stopped him. Finally, when I had unloaded myself completely, he got up and sat down on a little stool at my feet, wincing at the pain in his leg. I let him take my hands and he told me I wasn't to blame, talked about how nobody was to blame for what happened and how he had blamed himself for long enough for not being at home when it did occur.

For the first time in months we actually talked and I began to see that I had been unwell in my mind and that pushing him away hadn't helped anything, it had made it worse. He had got to his feet and pulled me with him and I walked into his arms. The relief and comfort of being held by him made me cry again, but this time, with relief that the darkness I had been living with was starting to disappear. I felt such relief and shame at not allowing him in sooner.

He didn't push me for anything more, just held me; he didn't even try to kiss me. I knew he was terrified that one false move and I would pull away from him again. But, standing there in his arms, I realised I never wanted to push him away ever again.

He went to bed not long after and I promised I would follow once I sorted everything out downstairs. However, from my position downstairs I could hear him in the girls' bedroom. I crept upstairs to see what he was doing. Peering quietly and unnoticed into the room, John was sitting on the edge of Audrey's bed, Audrey curled up against him. If she had been awake or if he had woken her, I don't know, but the image made me smile with love.

"_Tell me a story, daddy."_

"_Alright. What sort of story?"_

"_A happy one."_

"_Oh, I have plenty of those. Are you sitting comfortably?"_

_Audrey shifted and wriggled against him, curling herself firmly into his chest._

"_Yes!"_

"_Once upon a time…"_

"_Daddy! I want one of your stories!"_

"_But this is one of my stories!"_

_I smile widely in the hall, part of me wanted to go in and join them but something kept me rooted to the spot._

"_Once upon a time, there was a beautiful Princess, except, she didn't know she was a Princess. She had to work every day cleaning floors and dressing three ugly sisters…"_

"_This is like Cinderella."_ Audrey stated.

"_Oh no, this Princess was much prettier and much cleverer than Cinders! This Princess worked very hard until one day she met an ugly frog."_

"_Daddy! "_

"_And, the Princess tried hard to turn the frog into a Prince. The frog was too old and too damaged to be a Prince, but he loved the Princess very much. The Princess fell in love with the frog, she didn't care that he was all green and slimy…"_

_Audrey giggled at this._

"…_she loved him for who he was. So, one day they ran away because they could not be together in the big house where the Princess lived. They went to a big, new world where nobody knew who they were, and the Princess became the frog's Queen. She was the most beautiful Queen that ever lived and the frog worshipped her. They had two little Princesses; thankfully they didn't look like frogs…"_

_Audrey giggled loudly again._

"…_and the frog was very, very happy."_

"_Daddy, is this about you?"_

"_Ah, you worked it out, my clever, clever girl!"_

"_And mummy is the Queen, and Enid is a Princess and so am I. Are you the frog, daddy?"_

"_I am the frog."_

"_Daddy! You're not a frog!"_

"_Oh I am, my lovely girl."_

_Audrey chuckled again and John squeezed her tightly, kissing her dark head tenderly._

"_Daddy?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Mummy was crying again."_

"_I know."_

"_Why is she so sad?"_

"_She's not very well; we have to look after her."_

"_I don't like it when she cries."_

"_No, I don't either."_

"_Can you make her happy again?"_

"_I'll try my darling; I'm going to try very hard."_

I stepped away from the door at this point, eyes brimming with tears. The impact I was having was so wide reaching and my heart ached for my little girl who was being forced to see me this way. I slipped downstairs and shortly after I heard John moving about, getting ready for bed. I waited until I heard silence and then made my way towards the staircase.

Before I even climbed the stairs, I knew what I was going to do, knew what I wanted and needed from him. I merely regretted I hadn't allowed it sooner. I paid the girls a visit first, making sure they were asleep. I smiled at the sight of Enid in her little bed, bottom up in the air, head on her pillow, sleeping in a crouching position. Ever since she was a little baby, she's slept this way and no matter what we do, she always ends up sleeping in what looks like a really uncomfortable position.

I stroked her soft, dark hair, planting a loving kiss on her warm little cheek. I carefully turned her onto her side, she won't stay like that for long but it made me feel a little better to see her sleeping in a more suitable position.

I moved across to Audrey, she was fast asleep, still tucked up firmly beneath her blankets. I leaned down and kissed her lightly, brushing a strand of hair from her forehead. Stepping back I observed my girls, smiling at the precious sight. I really am lucky to have such beautiful girls, fathered by a wonderful and loving husband. Content that they are asleep for the night I closed the door and made my way towards the bedroom I shared with John.

He had been sat up in bed, reading, though I doubt he had read much, both of our minds were completely destroyed and the only thoughts were of our previous conversation. I had slid beneath the covers and paused, composing myself slightly before shuffling towards him. I had slid my arms around him and rested my head against his chest.

I remember how he had tensed at this unexpected contact and slowly, ever so slowly, he had put his book down. Again he was obviously afraid that any sudden movements and I would shoot away to the other side of the bed, but I had no intentions of that. His hands had softly rested on my arm and his head dipped to rest against mine. We stayed like that for a while; he pressed a few gentle kisses into my hair before eventually whispering, _"I've missed you."_

I'd had to furiously blink away the tears that threatened before I answered_, "I've missed you, too."_

Then, I'd looked up at him and lifted myself up to meet his lips with mine. For a few seconds it was me doing all the work, me trying to encourage him to respond and though his eyes were closed, he was trying to hold back; probably afraid it was a dream. When I'd murmured, _"I'm sorry,"_ he had groaned a little and then begun to yield, kissing me firmly and tenderly. Between kisses, I'd whimpered my apologies and declarations of love but he quietened each one with another kiss, punctuating them with_, "I know, me too."_

Softly he'd turned us both so that I was now laid on my back with him half above me, still kissing, hands starting to explore once more. I'd let my hands trail over the skin that had once been so familiar, let my fingers caress his neck and hair as my mouth and his made love to each other. His hands were on my waist, then my hips, around my back pulling me against him firmly. We spent ages in this way until finally we slowed, our eyes meeting as his mouth hovered tantalisingly over mine, the question was clear though unspoken and I merely answered it with a kiss.

"_Are you sure?"_ he'd asked, his voice deep and husky with desire, clearly he was afraid his luck was about to run out.

Again I didn't say anything, just answered him by arching myself against him, pressing my mouth to his as my hands roamed down his back. His desire was obvious and I made mine so by pulling up my nightgown, his hands were on mine in an instant and together we removed the offending articles of clothing barring us from each other.

Once again, we explored each other, he was all over me and yet I still wanted more. My name was on his lips as he roamed my body and I would merely moan a soft response – it felt so good to have his weight resting upon me once more. When it seemed there was nothing left to do, he had moved himself between my legs and together we were one once more.

Moving in time together with hot kisses, loving words and caresses we reformed the bonds that the last few months had tested to the limit. I realised just how much I'd missed this contact, how much I'd needed it and how I wasn't going to let that go now.

We spent the rest of the night in each other's arms, I don't think we slept much; we seemed to go through phases of talking softly, then dozing together in silence and then kissing and caressing.

I must have fallen asleep before dawn, for I woke to his arms around me and soft kisses being planted on my forehead, temple, eyes, cheeks, nose and the corner of my mouth. Still foggy with sleep I'd moaned softly, turning my head from his kisses. The kisses stopped and I felt him pull back. I'd opened my eyes to see him gazing worriedly at me, he was probably expecting me to regret the previous night; I couldn't have that.

I'd reached up with one hand and pulled him back to me.

"_Morning…"_

"_I thought… that you didn't… well… I was wrong."_

"_Yes, you were."_

And I made sure I kissed away his fears.

Although things improved greatly with that night, it wasn't quite as simple as that and there were still many days and nights of grieving but instead we grieved together, offering each other the support that had been missing for the last few months. It took time but slowly, very slowly, we came to terms with our loss and rebuilt our marriage. I honestly believe we are stronger for it.

Shortly after that night, I received an unexpected letter. It seemed that my mother had kept all my letters and finally, after almost five years she wrote back to me. The war was now over and the world it seemed was at peace once more. My mother wrote to tell me that my brother had been killed just days before the end of the war. She wrote an apology for not speaking to me sooner, for letting the years pass without contact and that she had every letter and knew them word perfect. She wanted to make amends, said life was too short and that if I was happy then she was happy for me. She asked after John and the girls and asked me if I'd had my baby yet. John had to take the letter from me at this point and he spent a few moments holding me close until I could continue reading. The emotions were so extreme, on the one hand I was devastated about my brother and on the other hand, I was so elated that my mother was back in touch. I thought that somewhere, in heaven, my brother had orchestrated the whole thing.

John helped me to write back that very same day. The paragraph about our loss was hard to write but I felt better for putting it into words. My letter was full of love for her and my father and begged her to write again to me soon. Posting that letter felt simply wonderful and I think that certainly helped me in my recovery.

I suppose it sounds as if we've only experienced heartache and pain but there have been so many good and happy times together. So many times where we've laughed and shared the best moments of our lives. I don't regret marrying John at all, he is my everything, the other half of my being and I couldn't imagine living and sharing my life with anyone else.

Of course, we have a lovely home and a beautiful family, life, on the whole, has been good to me.

It was mid-1919 when I found out I was pregnant again. The thought filled me with fear and dread and I knew John felt the same. Every twinge or pain had us in a panic and John was so protective, I could do nothing the whole time! My stomach grew and with each passing month, we became more nervous and more excited at the same time. This pregnancy felt different, the baby felt different, it seems odd to say it, but I knew it was a boy.

The girls, now a little older, could join in with the preparations and excitement. Enid had been very young when I'd miscarried but Audrey had been old enough to know something was wrong and had the memory of the baby that never came home.

One day, sitting in the kitchen, Audrey asked me a question that took me completely by surprise. Enid had her small hands on my stomach and was waiting for the baby to move, giggling every time a small foot or hand would kick out at her. Audrey, was watching, a deep expression on her face. Like her father, she's rather reflective, for such a young girl, she speaks in an old way.

"_Mummy, will this baby go to heaven like the last one did?"_

I had looked up, surprised by such a question. Thinking back though, I never explained anything to Audrey about what had happened, John must have done it and God knows how he must have suffered with that conversation.

"_No, darling," I answered, resting a protective hand upon my stomach, the baby squirming restlessly inside me. "If everything goes well, which I'm sure it will, then this baby will be here very soon."_

"_It moved!" Enid had squealed, oblivious to her sister's question._

_Audrey thought for a moment, "Good. I want to help with the baby when it comes."_

"_And you will do a wonderful job of it!" I had smiled at her. I saw her expression, she must have had more questions but she never voiced them, perhaps, still in her mind, she remembered how upset I had been, how much I had cried. She didn't want to see me like that again._

As long as each day passed where I felt the baby move, I was happy and when I finally went into labour, I was over the moon. The delivery was straightforward and though it wasn't easy there were no complications and in the early evening our beautiful son, James, was born.

Our little family complete, our happiness knew no bounds, we were very blessed indeed.

That was two months ago and our home is still very happy, even when James decides to scream the house down! John says he takes after me, stubborn and headstrong. When he wants something, James makes sure we all know about it!

I'm brought out of my reverie by the sound of the backdoor opening and the sound of small feet racing through the kitchen. Audrey's voice is calling out to me and I hear Enid, racing behind her sister, desperate to keep up.

"Mummy! Daddy says we can go to the circus! The circus is coming!"

James stirs in his cradle at the sudden noise and as the girls clatter into the room I shush them, pointing to their sleeping brother. Audrey comes to me for a hug and I pull her warmly into an embrace, kissing the top of her silky black hair. Not to be outdone, Enid is clutching at my skirts and gesturing to be lifted up. I laugh softly as I lift her up, kissing her little cheeks tenderly.

Audrey moves away towards the cradle and leans in to straighten out James' blankets. She fusses him gently, tucking him in and rubbing his chest as she's seen me do so many times. Audrey is a little mother hen who worships her brother; she's desperate to help out with him and wants to hold him all the time. Enid, however, has not taken to his arrival quite as easily as we'd hoped. Not the baby anymore, she's rather jealous of her baby brother and whenever I am holding him or feeding him she tries to clamber all over me. John usually comes to help and removes her from the situation much to her protests and I'm sure in time, she will accept him and get over her jealousy.

Enid wriggles to be put down again and she joins her sister by the cradle, gazing in at James as he sleeps on peacefully. As I straighten myself up again I feel large familiar hands snake around my waist and a familiar solidness presses against my back. I sigh softly as familiar lips meet my neck and he buries his face against the soft skin, nipping occasionally.

"Everything alright?" he murmurs against my neck.

I nod softly. "Just thinkin'."

"Hmm, me too," he replies, "I thought you might have forgotten."

I turn in his arms at this to face him, a bemused smile on my face. "Forgot what?"

His expression lightens, eyes crinkling in amusement. "So, you have forgotten!"

"Forgot what?" I laugh, completely perplexed. Audrey and Enid giggle but when Enid giggles too loudly, Audrey quickly reproaches her with an even louder "shush!" and goes back to stroking James' chest.

John gazes at me with that expression I fell in love with all those years ago. "Six years ago today, a very pretty housemaid came to my room, bags packed and a determined look on her face. She persuaded me to run away with her and fool that I am, I agreed."

I'm dumbstruck for a moment and think carefully. He's right; of course, it was six years ago to the day that our whole adventure together began. I merely laugh my reply.

"Who was the housemaid, daddy?" Audrey asks.

"Your mummy!" he chuckles.

"How could I forget?" I laugh softly, "It was the best thing I ever did!"

His expression freezes slightly and the smile slightly dies. "Was it really? Have I really made you happy?"

I grin warmly. "More than you'll ever know."

We share a warm gaze for a few brief seconds before the moment is shattered by James deciding nap time is over. John gives me a knowing look and moves towards the cradle. Audrey already has the blankets removed and Enid, recognising James will be getting attention is straight over to me to command my attention.

"Hello little man…" John soothes, lifting his son from the cradle, "was that a nice sleep?"

I lift Enid up again and watch John, my eyes full of love for him, as he holds James against his chest, his cries dying away as he feels the familiar comfort of his father. Audrey is at his side, holding up the blanket, her other hand on James' back.

Surrounded by my loving husband and beautiful children, I am very happy indeed. I don't regret my decision all those years ago, I don't regret our new beginning… it was the best thing I ever did.


End file.
